There exists a profound duality to living with a degree of pain. Your days continue, life goes on, the sun rises each morning, classes continue and homework is still due. People smile and wave, and your feet seem to somehow carry you to the next place...and the next. You find yourself smiling back, thanking the bag boy, asking the old woman if she needs help, and putting on makeup again. But inside, deep within the caverns of your soul, you ache. Your breaking heart gasps and tears at the thick walls of your will, and you silence its screams as you wave back to the girl selling peaches.
On the outside, in the world of expressions and smiles and words shared but not really heard, you're doing well. Busyness holds you in an embrace of security you can't seem to hold tight enough. Responsibilities surround you in a comforting amnesia. You cling to meetings, deadlines and obligations as if your life depends on it, and really, your sanity does.
Because inside, hiding below the surface where the world can't see, a numbness lurks that threatens your stability. The monster beneath the bed, the elephant in the room, the ghost in the hallway. A devastating ache that eats at your stomach, tears at your heart, and clouds your eyes with tears when you least expect it. But no-one can see it and the sun still shines on obliviously. Happily unaware of the battle of sanity raging behind your eyes.
So you continue on and look for the beautiful, subtle details in life that hide in the corners waiting for you to find them. It's a strategic game of magical hide and seek. Hide from the pain by seeking the beauty, the details that make your heart remember warmth and light, the smell of the sea that fills your lungs with life and peace and reassurance. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy; force yourself to focus on the tiny beautiful details in life in order to claw your way back to a reality where life itself is again one vast, enveloping, beautiful moment.
"...All of these things (and more) make up the magic of every ordinary day and if we are able to live in this magic, to feel and to dwell in it, we will find ourselves living with magic every day. There are white spaces in life, the spaces in between the written lines, the cracks in which the sunshine filters into. Some of us swim in the overflowing of the wine glass of life, we stand and blink our eyes in the sunlight reaching unseen places, we know where to find the white spaces, we live in magic." - C. JoyBell C.