Saturday, June 8, 2013

Finals Week - Can I please not think?

It's past midnight and I just want to curl into fetal position for the next 10 years. I want to sleep. And read for fun. And lay on a surfboard far out in the ocean past the breakers.

It was senior send-off for the tour guides tonight. 23 of some of my best friends are graduating and, unless we are very purposeful and determined, I'll probably never see them again except for on facebook. That's kind of emotional.

I got the promotion at work and will be a Senior CA next year. The whole group flipped when they found out, running over to hug and congratulate me. I was excited, I am really excited, but it was like watching someone else's happiness. I smiled and hugged back and mouthed "thank you!", but it felt detached. Disconnected. Like I was a fly on the wall watching all the excitement and happiness happen far below me.

My roommate is 10 feet away from me, sobbing in the steamy shower. She's had a long day, an emotional week, and a quarter from hell. There's nothing I can do except give her a hug when she doesn't ask for it, and space when she needs it. It's a natural response and her grief is deeply profound; one moment she'll be all smiles and sass, and the next she's furious, devastated and in tears. It's an extensive exercise in intuition, grace, patience and love for our little "family".

Real life makes all of this fake, academic life seem pointless. I don't want to write a research paper when my roommate is sobbing a few feet away. I don't want to write a research paper when my own heart and soul want to sit on the cliffs in silence. Or fling stones at the ocean in unexplained fury. Or just breathe. There are too many emotional things whirling around here. I want to just sit and not think. 

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