Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I don't regret my actions, and I'd do it again.
Yet, come tomorrow, he'll know. Oh God, I'm afraid.
One voice in a sea of pain.
"It took a lot of guts..."
"I hope you don't suffer for what you wrote..."
"It was extremely thoughtful....no matter what it costs you."
Words of comfort for a trembling soul.
We must sometimes surrender our security
in the pursuit and protection of what is true.
I refuse to pretend. I refuse to hide the truth.
And so, it is written. Come what may.
Yet, it's coming and my heart is heavy with a chilling dread.
I don't regret my actions, and I'd do it again.
Yet, come tomorrow he'll know. Oh God, I'm afraid.
Ya llega, y mi corazón es fuerte y con un miedo escalofriante.
No me arrepiento de mis acciones, y había que hacerlo de nuevo.
Sin embargo, venga mañana, él sabrá. Oh Dios, tengo miedo.
Una voz en un mar de dolor.
"Tomó un montón de tripas ..."
"Espero que no sufra por lo que escribió ... "
"Era muy concienzudo .... no importa lo que te cuesta."
Las palabras de consuelo para un alma temblorosa.
A veces tiene que entregar nuestra seguridad
en la búsqueda y la protección de lo que es verdad.
Me niego a fingir. Me niego a esconder la verdad.
Y así, está escrito. Pase lo que pase.
Sin embargo, está por llegar y mi corazón es fuerte y con un miedo escalofriante.
No me arrepiento de mis acciones, y había que hacerlo de nuevo.
Sin embargo, ven mañana se sabrá. Oh Dios, tengo miedo.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
In Speech class today we all had to get up and give, yes, you guessed it...speeches. Our professor had us partner up with someone new and after 10-15 minutes of getting to know each other, we were to introduce our new friend to the class. I turned to a brunette with florescent green eyeshadow extending to her eyebrows and beautiful curly hair flowing over her shoulders. Interesting gal. We actually hit it off rather well; she's 19, grew up on a ranch in Texas, wants to go into social work and protect abused kids, and is the oldest of four...like me. After chatting for a couple minutes, taking notes of each other's interests, goals and hobbies so we could report them to the class, she asked me, "so, where did you go to high-school?"
An array of thoughts rushed to mind.
- Should I tell her the truth?
- I could make up a school?
- What if she asked me something specific about my "school"?
- Aw, come on! The truth is cool.
- ARC'ers never get it though...do I really want to spend 8 weeks proving my normality?
Invisible deep breath. I smiled proudly, "I homeschooled through highschool." Her eyes brightened, "really?! That's so cool!"
Whoa. Sweet. Finally! She asked none of the usual stupid questions (did you wear your PJs all day? did you have any...friends? are there a million kids in your family? are you mormon? etc, etc, etc), but instead seemed intrigued about the whole process. We talked about taking college classes in high-school, the way I've been able to travel due to homeschooling's flexibility, and an assortment of other homeschooling perks. She looked at me and shook her head, "I love it! What a neat schooling opportunity...I would've loved to do that!" Cool. That was easy.
The time came to introduce our partner to the class, and after I had gone, she nervously stood up before the class, curls bouncing happily. "My parner today was Risa. She actually homeschooled through highschool, so she's really excited to be around normal people and get out of her house. I think it's really cool she's brave enough to jump right into college and socialization, don't you? *high pitched giggle*"
I could've strangled her.
Thus began my 8-week adventure in speech class.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The spinal cord is the main pathway of communication between the brain and the rest of the body. It is a long, fragile, tubelike structure that extends downward from the base of the brain. The cord is protected by the back bones (vertebrae) of the spinal column which are separated and cushioned by disks made of cartilage.
Along the length of the spinal cord, 31 pairs of spinal nerves emerge through spaces between the vertebrae. The spinal nerves connect with nerves throughout the body. Each spinal nerve has two nerve roots (except the first, which has no sensory root). The root in the front, the motor root, transmits inpulses from the spinal cord to the muscles. The root in the back, the sensory root, carries sensory information (about touch, position, pain, and temperature) from the body to the spinal cord.
The spinal column is divided into four areas: cervical (neck), thoracic (chest), lumbar (lower back), and sacral (pelvis). Each area is referred to by a letter (C, T, L, or S). The vertebrae in each area of the spine are numbered beginning at the top. For example, the first vertebra in the cervical spine is labeled C1, the second in the cervical spine is C2, the second in the thoracic spine is T2, the fourth in the lumbar spine is L4, and so forth.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I'm not stressed, I'm not worried, I'm not anxious...I just have no earthly idea how I'm going to get everything I need to finish done in the next 28 hours. Finishing everything seems absolutely impossible at the moment (unless I pull an all-nighter, ugh), but what makes me refuse to surrender is the heart-chilling fear of my MUN taskmaster. Ahh! He's scary and already mad at me and good lord! I'll get it done! I'll get it done!
Work from 12:00-9:30pm.
Friends house from 9:45 - 11ish
Research like crazy and write a policy statement on the "Effectiveness of the UN's Convention on Transnational Organized Crime"...11ish - ???
Work from 7:30am -2:00pm
MUN meeting where said policy statement must be turned in at 3:00
Work again from 7:30-9:30pm.
Gah! So yes...the magic must take place between 11pm tonight and 7:30 tomorrow morning. We'll see if my sanity stays intact. They say sleep deprivation is conducive to profound thought sometimes. I'm banking on it.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
This morning was chilly and grey as I drove to work. The 3:45am traffic was light and once I pulled into the parking lot, I had a few moments to tilt back my seat and think before my boss arrived and the workday started. I closed my eyes and was flooded with painful memories, flashbacks, snippits from sermons, blips of encouragements from friends...a chaotic swirl of thoughts and feelings my mind desperately tries to control. It's not a new struggle; the battle of heart vs. mind. My mind tells me what I should do, how I should react, how I should feel...but my heart cries, remembers, hurts, is incapable of conforming to "logic".
It's often been said forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things to do. Ever.
I believe that. One moment I think I've done it - I've forgiven - and then there'll be an "episode", and I'm in hurt, angry turmoil all over again. How is it possible to "love the sinner, hate the sin"? The hating the sin part is certainly there, but loving the sinner? Really?
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naive forgive and forget, the wise forgive but do not forget." -Thomas S. Szasz
What I've come to realize is that forgiveness is not acceptance. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is not allowing a situation or behavior to continue. Forgiveness does not mean pretending. Forgiveness does not mean trying to have a warm relationship despite a screaming and resistant heart.
Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiveness is not having wrong expectations of someone. Forgiveness is recognizing the past but not allowing it to affect the future. Forgiveness is love...you don't have to love to forgive.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I know it's spring when our apple tree is covered in innocent, pink blossoms.
I know it's spring when robins can be seen darting across the wet grass, tugging at long, brown earthworms.
I know it's spring when the tulips open and the daisies bloom.
I know it's spring when the ridiculous amount of layers is no longer needed. A simple sweater will suffice.
I know it's spring when the chickens begin to cackle and eggs appear once more in the straw nests.
I know it's spring when there's a song in the breeze and a laugh in the clouds.
"Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawns." -Lewis Grizzard in Kathy Sue Loudermilk's 'I Love You'
Monday, March 8, 2010
And so, today begins my series of Medical Mondays. :)
High Blood Pressure
High blood pressure (hypertension) is abnormally high pressure in the arteries.
To many people, the word hypertension suggests excessive tension, nervousness, or stress. In medical terms, hypertension refers to high blood pressure, regardless of the cause. Because it usually does not cause symptoms for many years - until a vital organ is damaged - it has been called "the silent killer." Uncontrolled high blood pressure increases the risk of problems such as stroke, aneurysm, heart failure, heart attack, and kidney damage.
Blood pressure that is more than 180/110mm Hg and does not produce any symptoms is a hypertensive urgency.
Malignant hypertension, a particularly severe form of high blood pressure, is a hypertensive emergency. Blood pressure is at least 210/120mm Hg. It occurs in only 1 of 200 people who have high blood pressure. Unlike a hypertensive urgency, malignant hypertension may produce a variety of severe symptoms. If untreated, malignant hypertension usually leads to death in 3 to 6 months.
Treatement: Primary hypertension cannot be cured, but it can be controlled. Helpful measures include: losing weight, reducing intake of alcohol and sodium, moderate aerobic exercise and if necessary, drug therapy (no, not drugdrugs...pharmaceutical drugs).
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Today I remembered that this is the first day of the rest of my life.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
The three of us girls snuggled on the couch.
And watched Wives and Daughters for the first time.
And then we went to bed...and I slept for 12.5 hours. *Whoa!*
First time I've slept for more than 5 hours in more than a week.
Mmmm, that was only a little divine. ;)
I think...no, I know, he's right.
Something happened to me, to my heart, while I was there. I'm not entirely sure what it was. I'm not completely sure at what point it happened, whether it was actually there or upon my return home. I'm not sure how to explain it....but something is different. I keep trying to rationalize my feelings, trying to analyze them, trying to put them into words - but I keep failing. I frustrate myself when I try to communicate the things I saw, learned, heard, experienced. I saw so much pain, so much hurt, so much dispair, so much sadness...and so much hope, so much beauty, so much peace, so many glimpses of the goodness and majesty of God.
It's the kind of thing that when World Vision News came in the mail today, I poured over the pages. It's the kind of thing that brings specific faces to mind when I read:
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I grew up and I found my purpose and it was to become a physician. I chose the specialty of surgery because of Matron, that steady presence during my boyhood and adolescence. "What is the hardest thing you can possibly do?" she said when I went to her for advice on the darkest day of the first half of my life.
I squirmed. How easily Matron probed the gap between ambition and expediency. "Why must I do what is hardest?"
"Because, Marion, you are an instrument of God. Don't leave the instrument sitting in its case, my son. Play! Leave no part of your instrument unexplored. Why settle for 'Three Blind Mice' when you can play the 'Gloria'?"
-Cutting for Stone