Quiet thinking...

My words feel bare and exposed.

My thoughts and emotions seem vulnerable on this screen. I don't want to write tonight. I don't want to expose my mind or feelings tonight. My words will get carried away and my sentences will betray me. Yet, I feel I must write. Words, thoughts, poetry, swirls of phrases and patterns creep out of me - especially when I'm upset and worried. I'll condem myself to insanity if I don't write, yet I condem myself to a level of regret if I do.

Today began with a wonderful lilt of warmth, song, beauty and power. It began with friends, glorious worship, laughter and love. Happiness. The warmth of a smile. The peaceful happiness eyes can share.

The day didn't end that way. But a person can choose to remember that warmth, that happiness, the quiet rhythm of joy.

I'm going to end here. Words are spinning 'round and 'round, but I'm going to stop here. There is a train honking in the distance; it's warning call ringing out through the night. The wind rustles through the glass chimes outside my bedroom window. It's peaceful. There can be peace in a storm.

Happiness

Is that not just gorgeous? Isn't it incredible? Yes. It is. And it's mine. *Mine!* And tomorrow, Sara, Mama and I are going to embark on a photo-shoot of epic proportions.

And now, I must really go to bed. The house is quiet. The crickets chirp. The night breeze plays at the window blinds. I love this time of night; I love the quiet, the atmosphere rich for thinking. Yet, I worked at Jamba Juice for a full 8 hours today...so I am utterly exhausted. And! There's an exciting day waiting for me tomorrow. E-a-r-l-y tomorrow. And so, in my late night, delirious randomness, I leave you with this:

"But then there are the other times, when everything goes perfectly. You don't think. You don't concentrate. Every move unfolds effortlessly. You take the needle. You stick the chest. You feel the needle travel - a distinct glide through the fat, a slight catch in the dense muscle, then the subtle pop through the vein wall - and you're in. At such moments, it is more than easy; it is beautiful....Not everyone appreciates the attractions of surgery. When you are a medical student in the operating room for the first time, and you see the surgeon press the scalpel to someone's body and open it like fruit, you either shudder in horror or gape in awe. I gaped." -Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science (a little pre-bed, pre-birthday dessert reading. Bliss!)

Random things about today...

"I'm at a loss for words,
So lost in love.
I'm sweetly broken.
Wholly surrender."

After a (incredible) day at Great America, I woke up this morning to discover I was so sunburned my collarbone/shoulders had swelled in the night.



At work I got a strange phone call:
"I didn't want to ask you in front of anyone...but are you single?"



Earlier, a co-worker had asked me if my husband and I were going to do anything special for my mom on Mother's Day. My husband!?! Goodness. After realizing the reason behind his conclusion, I explained what a promise ring was and why I always wore one. "Ah, so it's a religious thing" he deducted. Mmm, sort of, Nick. Sort of.

Talked with an incredibly amazing friend until 12:30am.

Determined to spend a good while tomorrow with tea and snuggling with my mom.

Trampolines and 4-Leaf Clovers

Today was warm and alluring.
It was the kind of day that you find it utterly impossible to stay indoors. It's impossible to sit within the confines of walls and glass and doors and responsibility - while a world of dazzling sunlight and color and life waits for you. Whispering. Beckoning. Calling.

Flinging off my socks and running through the clover-dotted grass, I flew out to the back meadow where the boys were laughing on the trampoline. We bounced and laughed for nearly an hour, shrieking with excitement when one of us would get unexpectedly rocketed skyward. It was very kid-like and glorious. Mark, who just turned twelve, egged me on to try a flip - and while I was initially terrified of breaking my neck in the attempt, I managed to pull off a full 360-degree flip. He laughed at my un-graceful attempts, but I couldn't help beaming at my new-found acrobatic talent.

Nearly falling over with jelly-legs and breathless giggles, we laid on the trampoline and gazed up at the drifting clouds. Little insects hummed around our sweaty faces. The rich, beautiful scent of the blossoming roses floated through the warm air. A bee buzzed by. It was quiet and peaceful.

Exactly what I needed.

In the midst of graduation preparations, college planning and paperwork, scholarship applications, speech writing/practicing, finals, SAT tests and more - escaping to the trampoline for a few hours was refreshing. Rejuvenating.

We migrated off the trampoline and laid in the grass, Mark making goose sounds with blades of grass, and I searched for 4-leaf clovers. Our knees got a little muddy, and our tummies itched from the grass (we decided it was the invisible microbes that make us itch).
What wonderful moments. I wish I could bottle those wonderful, warm, happy moments - just laying in the grass, humming and looking for lucky clover - bottle them up and save them for those not-so-glorious days.
It'll be bottled up in my memory for a long time yet.

A Day To Remember...

This is wonderful. I'm sitting on my bed, it's 11:15 at night, and it's too hot to go to sleep. I'm sitting here sweltering in this pre-summer warmth....loving it! This is what summer is all about! This is what feeling alive and healthy and happy and wonderful is all about! I love this heat. I love the sweaty, sticky, hot feeling. The sleep-on-top-of-your-sheets feeling.

Summer is almost here. I can feel it. Literally.

Happy things that happened today:

• Met with the ARC counselor and drew up a brilliant new plan for a wonderful new major.
• FOUND MY CONVERSE!
• Clapped when Danny Gokey *didn't* get voted off American Idol
• Discovered a fun song on the radio
• Sat in the sun and listened to the breeze, insects and neighbor children laughing
• Nursed sore thighs after over 3 1/2 hours of hip hop yesterday. (Yes, it IS a good feeling...painful, but it makes you feel alive and powerful)
• Became quite enlightened about the religious ceremonies of indigenous Javains (in a World Music class no less...)
• FOUND MY CONVERSE!
• Sang at the top of my lungs in the car

Oh yes. It's been a good day.