In the quiet of my thoughts, I am frustrated.
It's a strange, inner turmoil that seldom voices itself or allows itself to be seen. Quiet, hidden, simmering; a dull frustration simmers. Most of the time, nearly always, it's pushed deep down and forgotten; discarded for want of better, happier, more beautiful things. But not tonight. Tonight I'm frustrated.
I'm frustrated with the loss of an election. I'm frustrated with a professor bent on minimizing my best efforts. I'm frustrated at a job which overworks and underpays. I'm frustrated about the fact that I need a job. I'm frustrated with tense and painful relationships. I'm frustrated with feeling I've wasted a semester. I'm frustrated with appathetic friends. I'm frustrated with my dad. I'm frustrated with feeling stuck. I'm just frustrated.
"I have come to believe that all my past failures and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understanding that have created the new level of living I now enjoy." -Anthony Robbins
Tonight, my heart is restless - but tomorrow my soul will rest. I certainly don't have the answers, and though I have a hard time giving myself grace, I realize there's not much else I can do. I am a student. A very broke student. At a community college. Wading through General Ed. Wishing I was at a real college. Wishing I could do exciting, challenging things. Wishing I had a handbook, a guidbook, to my life...at least for the next year or two. Wishing I knew what God's plan was. Wishing...
I am here. I am where I am. And I can't see, and don't know, what's ahead. I can only breathe. I can breathe, and I can pray, and I can trudge on towards that goal and someday, somehow, I'll get there. Maybe. I hope. I'm pretty sure.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you....do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." -John 14:27