Saturday, March 16, 2013


The night is dark, the moon a tiny sliver in a dense blanket of fog. There are no stars and even the wind is still. The ocean mist that has settled on the campus suppresses sound itself, a fitting phenomenon to accompany finals week.

It's a few minutes past midnight and every part of me wants to wrap myself in a cozy blanket and trek down to the cliffs looking over the sea. I'm aching to hear the waves crash, breathe deeply the soothing smell of seaweed and salt, and let my mind empty in the quietness of an isolated shore. But it's cold. So here I sit instead. Wrapped in a cozy blanket, watching my facebook messages for a response I've looked for all day long.

I'm struggling with things I don't know how to put into words. I don't know how to explain or articulate them, but multiple things have weighed on my mind the last week. I feel uneasy. I've written paragraphs trying to discover what my heart and mind are trying to say, but in vain; I just erase the cacophony of words when it's past 1am. It's a series of notes on a theme, a theme of life, of purpose, of hope, and of great limitations and perceived inadequacies.

I want to engage, I want to talk, I want to rant and dream and criticize and wonder and scream and listen and see. I want to take the world by the shoulders and shake it beyond measure, and watch the great beauty and misery come pouring out of the tectonic fissures and stream through my hands. Like a beast straining against its chains, there's a deep and simmering passion within me that's aching to find a place, find an outlet, a reason. I want to wonder out-loud without being labeled or judged. I want to advocate for change without my efforts being denounced as a "savior complex" borne out of white-man's guilt. I want to run to the cliffs and breathe, breathe deep and fast and gasp and taste and be fully, painfully, marvelously alive.

But the night is dark, the moon a tiny sliver in a dense blanket of fog. There are no stars and even the wind is still. 


Anonymous said...

Those who may think you have a 'savior complex' may have a 'self-conscious blindness complex' instead.
But remember not to forget yourself either...


funnyortragic said...

You know what the answer for your turmoil is? A house full of popcorn, sent by god via laser beam. (I REALLY hope you've started watching that movie list, or this'll just sound craaaazy!)