Wednesday, July 3, 2013

"Their own volition"

"Don't give chances. Or pose ultimatums. Or set rules.
Just let people go, and see what they do of their own volition...

If their free will doesn't lead to you,
why try to force it?
What good is a love
That you have to ask for?"

Tonight I ran across old messages from last summer sent from continents away. He was trekking through the Peruvian andes and I was working in Jordanian refugee camps. Sounds like a NatGeo couple doesn't it? Amidst faulty internet connections, exhaustion and sickness, and the expanse of half a globe, we detailed our experiences, our hopes, fears, frustrations, and stupid little nothingnesses that made us smile. And I rediscovered them tonight and all my victorious emotional courage and strength went swirling down the drain. The nostalgia is overwhelming, my face smiles at the memories, and my heart tears at the loss. Again. Damnit.

 Why did you let me go? Why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you call me, text me, drive to me in the middle of the night when we were both a wreck? Why didn't you hunt me down and tell me you couldn't bear to lose me? My heart screamed as I put the ball in your court, left it up to you...and never called.

Why can't I stop missing you?


Juliet SN said...

I can't tell you how much I understand this... lo siento, mi amiga. Te quiero mucho.

funnyortragic said...

Most people will sympathize, and let me tell you, I HAVE been there, more than you know. BUT, I also know something else, something that no one else told me that might have saved me some time, though that is always questionable. That I needed to wake up. That I was turning my suffering and pain caused by some else's lack of commitment into a knot tied up with that love. Mourning does NOT equal romance. That is bullshit. But we all have the instinct to hold onto it, hold onto that pain, because we hope, deep in our hearts, that it means we're still connected to the other. There came a time when I realized I was hurt but that I wouldn't want them back after their actions, so I was really just flogging myself and my expectations. I acknowledged my pain as MINE, not as something that bonded us. I broke that phantom chain, put that person behind me as what they were; not the person I needed. Everyone has that first real love, but if it breaks on being tested, then you either break yourself to fit that other persons life, or you continue to angst over personal fiction, or you get on with your own life and put that focus forward.

And even though I was with this person for YEARS, when I could no longer remember what his smell was without sniffing a letter, or remember the taste of his lips, it wasn't a tragedy. It meant it would be stupid to go sniffing that letter, to pick at a healing scab. I would say cold comfort, but I know there is no comfort there at all. It's not meant to be. You have lots of loved ones who can give you that. This is more the cold towel thrown at your face to stop your sleepwalking. Hard truths, my family's brand of love. Be pissed, be shocked, be surprised (though really, why would you be?) but it's the same thing I said so long ago in a cafe over lunch; YOU are responsible for your happiness. You took it in that specific context, but I mean it in all ways...and baby, even now, happily married, I know that I live for myself, not for us. Because if you can't stand on your own, you can't walk that road with anyone til death do you part.

Aaaaand lecture over. Eventually email me to tell me you don't hate me. But I'll give it time.

Risa said...

I don't pretend that my mourning equates to romance, continued connection, or hope of reunion. This is no case of emotional martyrdom. Ironically, very ironically, it is exactly because my happiness is mine to control that we are no longer together. It's precisely because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, my own life, that I let go of what I currently crave. So I'm still going through the grief, yes. Still feeling the aftershocks, yes. But is it because I hold myself ultimately accountable? And because I realized that that particular love wasn't quite right? Yes.

It was still deep love though, and it still hurts.

Don't hate you. Haha, love you deeply. I know your lecture is because you care and I appreciate it. But I think we've walked different emotional paths in this area.

Marlena Lane said...

I understand completely. I've said those same things many times.

Marlena Lane said...

I understand completely. I've said those words many times myself. I must say I still love him too.